Text No comments yet

Irish Way to Die

By on March 20th, 2011

Brenda O’Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

“Brenda , may I come in?” he asks. “I’ve somethin’ to tell ya.”

“Of course you can come in, you’re always welcome, Tim.  But where’s my husband?”

“ That’s what I’m here to be telling ya, Brenda.  There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery”

“Oh, God no!” cries Brenda “Please don’t tell me.”

“I must, Brenda.  Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I’m sorry.”

Finally, she looked up at Tim.  “How did it happen, Tim?”

“It was terrible, Brenda.  He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.”

“Oh my dear Jesus!  But you must tell me true, Tim, did he at least go quickly?”

“Well, Brenda, no.  In fact, he got out three times to pee.”

Text No comments yet

Irish Discretion

By on March 20th, 2011

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O’Leary ‘s apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. Michael O’Conner looks around and asks, ‘Oh, me boys, someone got’s to tell Paddy’s wife. Who will it be?’

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse.

‘Discreet???  I’m the most discreet Irishmen you’ll ever meet.  Discretion is me middle name.  Leave it to me.’

Gallagher goes over to Murphy’s house and knocks on the door.

Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.

Gallagher declares,’Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.’

‘Tell him to drop dead!’, says Murphy’s wife.

‘I’ll go tell him.’ says Gallagher.

Text No comments yet

Pleasures of the Irish

By on March 20th, 2011

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, ‘It’s certainly not a ship.’  And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat or even a raft.

Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! 

The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him ‘Tell me, how long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?’

‘Ten years,’ replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. ‘Faith and begorra,’said the man, ‘that is so good I’d almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!’

‘And how long has it been since you’ve had a drop of good Irish whiskey’asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, ‘Ten years.’ Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink.

‘Tis nectar of the gods!’ stated the Irishman. ‘Tis truly fantastic!’

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle.. She looked at the trembling man and asked, ‘And how long has it been since you played around?’

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed: ‘Bejaaysus and begorra! Don’t tell me you’ve got golf clubs in there too!’

Text No comments yet

Going to Heaven

By on March 20th, 2011

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, “Do you want to go to heaven?”

The man said, “I do, Father.”

The priest said, “Then stand over there against the wall.”

Then the priest asked the second man, “Do you want to go to heaven?”

“Certainly, Father,” was the man’s reply.

“Then stand over there against the wall,” said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and said, “Do you want to go to heaven?”

O’Toole said, “No, I don’t Father.”

The priest said, “I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?”

O’Toole said, “Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.”

Text No comments yet

What’s for Dinner?

By on October 13th, 2010

I was sitting reading the paper when my wife said, “What would you like for dinner tonight, my love – chicken, beef or lamb?”

I said I would have chicken, thank you.

She replied: “You’re having soup, asshole – I was talking to the cat.”

Text No comments yet

Interesting Condom Fact

By on October 13th, 2010

In 1172 the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat’s intestine.
In 1873 the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

Text No comments yet

Say “I Love You” in 25 Languages

By on October 13th, 2010

How to say ‘I love you’ in 25 languages

English

  • I Love You

Spanish

  • Te Amo

French

  • Je T’aime

German

  • Ich Liebe Dich

Japanese

  • Ai Shite Imasu

Thai

  • Phom rak khun

Italian

  • Ti amo

Chinese

  • Wo Ai Ni

Swedish

  • Jag Alskar

Alabama, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Texas, North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Missouri, Mississippi, Montana, Louisiana, Virginia, West Virginia, Kentucky, parts of Florida

  • Nice Ass , Get in the Truck
Text No comments yet

The Italian Firemen

By on October 13th, 2010

One dark night in the small town of Garfield, NJ, a fire started inside the local sausage factory.  In a blink the building was engulfed in flames.  The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the first  volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president  rushed to the fire chief and said, “All of our secret sausage recipes are in the  vault in the center of the plant.  They must be saved.  I will donate $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out and delivers them to me.”

But the roaring flames held the fire-fighters off.  Soon more fire departments had to be called in  because the situation became desperate.  As the firemen arrived, the  president shouted out that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire department that could save them. 

Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight.  It was the fire engine of the nearby Lodi, NJ volunteer fire department composed mainly of  Italian firefighters over the age of 65. 

To everyone’s amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Italian  firefighters, passed fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight  into the middle of the inferno.

Outside, the other  firemen watched in amazement as the Italian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance that was as if they were fighting to save their own lives.  Within a short time, the Lodi old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes. 

The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Italian firefighters.

A TV news crew rushed  in after capturing the event on film.  The ‘on camera’ reporter asked the Italian fire chief, “What are you going to do with all that money?”

“Wella,” said Chief  Pasquale De Luccinellavanti, the 70-year-old fire chief, “de fursta tinga we gonnna do isza fixa uppa de brakes on dat fockinna truck!!”

Text No comments yet

Harry and Nancy Visit a Dying Priest

By on May 24th, 2010

In Washington an old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation’s capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near.

“Yes, Father?” said the nurse.

“I would really like to see Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi before I die”, whispered the priest.

“I’ll see what I can do, Father”, replied the nurse.  The nurse sent the request to The House and Senate waited for a response.

Soon the word arrived; Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi would be delighted to visit the priest.

As they went to the hospital, Reid commented to Pelosi,  “I don’t know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images and might even get me re-elected.”

Pelosi agreed that it was a good thing.

When they arrived at the priest’s room, the priest took Reid’s hand in his right hand and Pelosi’s hand in his left.

There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest’s face.

Finally Nancy Pelosi spoke:  “Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?”

The old priest slowly replied, “I have always tried to pattern my life after Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.”

“Amen”, said Reid.

“Amen”, said Pelosi.

The old priest continued, “Jesus died between two lying thieves; I would like to do the same.

Text No comments yet

California’s Turn

By on March 25th, 2010

So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, somebody had to come up with this: 

You know you’re from California if: 

1. Your co-worker has 8 body piercings and at least 1/2 aren’t visible.

2. You make over $300,000 and still can’t afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English. 

4. Your child’s 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and HIS name is Flower.

5. You can’t remember … Is pot illegal?

6. You’ve been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8. You can’t remember … Is pot illegal?

9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

13. You can’t remember … Is pot illegal?

14. It’s barely sprinkling rain and there’s a report on every news station: “STORM WATCH..”

15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells, or pagers.

16.  It’s barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

17.  Hey!!!!  IS pot illegal????

18.  Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons.

19. The Terminator is your governor.

20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver’s license.  If you’re here illegally, they want to give you one.