“Yes, Father?” said the nurse.

“I would really like to see Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi before I die”, whispered the priest.

“I’ll see what I can do, Father”, replied the nurse.  The nurse sent the request to The House and Senate waited for a response.

Soon the word arrived; Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi would be delighted to visit the priest.

As they went to the hospital, Reid commented to Pelosi,  “I don’t know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images and might even get me re-elected.”

Pelosi agreed that it was a good thing.

When they arrived at the priest’s room, the priest took Reid’s hand in his right hand and Pelosi’s hand in his left.

There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest’s face.

Finally Nancy Pelosi spoke:  “Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?”

The old priest slowly replied, “I have always tried to pattern my life after Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.”

“Amen”, said Reid.

“Amen”, said Pelosi.

The old priest continued, “Jesus died between two lying thieves; I would like to do the same.

You know you’re from California if: 

1. Your co-worker has 8 body piercings and at least 1/2 aren’t visible.

2. You make over $300,000 and still can’t afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English. 

4. Your child’s 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and HIS name is Flower.

5. You can’t remember … Is pot illegal?

6. You’ve been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8. You can’t remember … Is pot illegal?

9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

13. You can’t remember … Is pot illegal?

14. It’s barely sprinkling rain and there’s a report on every news station: “STORM WATCH..”

15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells, or pagers.

16.  It’s barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

17.  Hey!!!!  IS pot illegal????

18.  Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons.

19. The Terminator is your governor.

20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver’s license.  If you’re here illegally, they want to give you one.

And the mouse is missing!

“North Canton Barbie”
The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Wind star Minivan and matching gym outfit.  She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation.  Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.

“Massillon Barbie”
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit.  This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills) … unless you are a cop, then we don’t know what you are talking about.

“Jackson Barbie”
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2.  Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership.  Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper.  You won’t be able to afford any of them.

“Carrollton Barbie”
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder.  She has a six-pack of Bud Light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set.  She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken’s butt when she is drunk.  Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a Confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

“Canton South Barbie”
This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Carrollton Barbie’s house.  Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top.  Also available with a mobile home.

“Canton Barbie”
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll.  Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass.  Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.

The instructions said to “remove cap and push up bottom”.

Now I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells awesome.

First date:

You get to kiss her  goodnight.

Second date:

You get to grope all over and make out a  bit.

Third date:

You get to have sex but only when she wants to  and only in the missionary position.

IRISH WOMEN:

First Date:

You both get blind drunk and have sex.

Second Date:

You both get blind drunk and have sex.

20th Anniversary:

You both get blind drunk and have sex.

ITALIAN WOMEN:

First Date:

You take her to a play and  an expensive restaurant.

Second Date:

You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.

Third Date:

You have sex, she  wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring.

5th  Anniversary:

You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of  having sex.

6th Anniversary:

You find yourself a  Mistress.

CHINESE WOMEN:

First date:

You get to buy her an  expensive dinner but nothing happens.

Second date:

You buy her an  even more expensive dinner.  Nothing happens again.

Third date:

You  don’t even get to the third date and you’ve already realized nothing is  ever going to happen.

INDIAN WOMEN:

First date:

Meet her  parents.

Second date:

Set the date of the wedding.

Third  date:

Wedding night.

BLACK WOMEN:

First Date:

You get to buy her a real  expensive dinner.

Second Date:

You get to buy her and her  girlfriends a real expensive dinner.

Third Date:

You get to pay her rent.

Tenth Date:

She’s pregnant by someone other than  you.

MEXICAN WOMEN:

First Date:

You buy her an expensive  dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her  car.

Second Date:

She’s pregnant.

Third Date:

She moves in.  One week later, her mother, father, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her sister’s boyfriend and his three kids  move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your  home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Tijuana  strip.

JEWISH WOMEN:

First Date:

You will have to spend all  your money to impress

Second Date:

You will take a loan to keep  the image

Third Date:

Your are broke, she finds someone wealthier

ARAB WOMEN:

First Date:

Mother, Father, Brothers,  Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Friends and entire Arab community finds out.

Second Date:

Both of you are shot dead for dishonoring the  family. 

No third date!!!

“From now on when I say BELL 1 I want you to strip naked.”

“When I say BELL 2 I want you to jump in bed.”

“And when I say BELL 3 We are going to make love all night.”

‘The next night he came home from work and yelled ‘ BELL 1!’  The wife promptly took all her clothes off.

When he yelled “BELL 2!”, the wife jumped into bed.

When he yelled “BELL 3!”, they began making love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled “BELL 4!”

“What the hell is BELL 4?” asked the husband.

“ROLL OUT MORE HOSE,” she replied, “YOU’RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE.”

1. A Bible
2. A silver dollar
3. A bottle of whiskey
4. A Playboy magazine

“I’ll just hide behind the door,” the old preacher said to himself.  “When he come home from school today, I’ll see which object he picks up.

If it’s the Bible, he’s going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!

If he picks up the dollar, he’s going to be a businessman, and that would be okay too.

But if he picks up the bottle, he’s going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.

AND worst of all if he picks up that magazine he’s going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer.”

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son’s footsteps as he entered the house whistling and heading for his room.  The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.  With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.  Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.  He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket.  He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired the magazine’s centerfold.

“LORD have mercy,” the old preacher disgustedly whispered.   “He’s gonna run for Congress!”

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog.  Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious… with her head bleeding!  Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.  Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road.  After a short while, he sees a light.  He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house.  He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes.  A small, hunched man opens the door.  Bob immediately blurts, “Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty.  We’ve been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt.  Can I please use your phone?”

“I’m sorry,” replied the hunchback, “but we don’t have a phone.  My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!”

Bob brings his wife in.

An older man comes down the stairs.  “I’m afraid my assistant may have misled you.  I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.  However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic and I have had a basic medical training.  I will see what I can do.  Igor, bring them down to the laboratory.”

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely.  Igor places Betty on a table in the lab.  Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor’s master looks worried.  “Things are serious, Igor.  Prepare a transfusion.”  Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail.

Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills’ deaths upset Igor’s master greatly.  Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano.  For it is here that he has always found solace.  He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up.  His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty’s hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music.  Stunned, he watches as Bob’s arm begins to rise, marking the beat!  He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.  He bursts in and shouts to his master: “Master, Master! …

The Hills are alive with the sound of music!”